Like Mad

It’s okay to get pissed off.

Mind Field
By Karen Kolbe

Anger sure has a bad reputation. People often seek therapy with the stated goal of “working on my anger issues”—usually because they’ve been urged (or threatened) by loved ones to do so. Or they want to talk about someone else’s “anger issues,” telling tales of abusive behavior and arguments gone off the rails. Or, worst of all, their angry acting-out has caused some judge to order them to attend “anger management” classes.

The thing is, anger is not a problem. It’s not a mental illness, it’s not something to be cured or fixed or solved. It doesn’t need to be medicated. It is, rather, one of the many emotions that all healthy, normal human beings feel on a regular basis. Anger has a publicity problem, really: it gets routinely confused with the behaviors that often accompany it. The feeling was just sitting there, minding his own business, but the behavior threw the punch and made a big scene.

The inappropriate behavior choices that get made in response to anger fall under the heading of rage. Raging includes the typical attention-getting stuff like physical aggression, yelling, throwing things, and destroying property. But people are often surprised to learn that it also includes the quiet, under-the-radar moves like sarcasm, withholding attention, and the dreaded “silent treatment.” These latter examples are often called “passive aggressive,” but it’s important to understand that it’s still aggressive—and any aggression is a raging behavior. So what’s an angry person to do, if not rage? Just…not be angry?

Well, no. Feelings don’t just evaporate into thin air. I worked with a man once who, as a teenager, had a serious problem controlling his raging temper, and often got into violent fights. This led to incarceration on several occasions, and many court-ordered anger management classes. The lesson he thought he’d learned was to stop being so angry. So, eventually, he thought he’d achieved this. But he came to me because he was severely depressed. Depression is often what happens when anger is given no voice and no outlet.

When people rage—even if they do it quietly and passively—they’re really trying to let others know how angry they are. There’s nothing wrong with that. The irony is, though, that raging pretty much ensures that people stop listening. The more you rage, the less you get heard. There are better things to do when you’re mad as hell:

• Own it. That means recognizing the fact that anger, like all emotions, is always about the person who feels it. Your anger comes from you, and you’re responsible for it. No one “makes” you angry, and no one is in charge of “fixing” it for you.
  
  
• Express it—directly, assertively, without projecting it onto others. The very best way to do this is to make sure you start your sentences with “I,” which goes over much better than “You.” The problem with “You” is that it instantly puts others on defense. No one can argue with you if you’re talking about “I.”
  
  
• Figure out what you need and ask for it. This is the most crucial step. You’re angry—what are you looking for? Acknowledgment, a sympathetic sounding board, someone to commiserate with, or an apology? State your needs clearly and find out if that person is willing to help you meet them.

Anger is a very useful emotion, and one that often moves people to create real and needed change in their lives. Raging only gets in the way of that.

Karen Kolbe, M.A., L.P.C., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice who specializes in relationship, family, and parenting issues. She can be reached at 602-799-7415 or karenkolbe.com.